Pointers to Oriya Boy- Part Two

I've been asked by my loyal readers reader to write the second installment of pointers to Oriya boys engaged to marry Mallu girls ( and if you didn't guess it still - the girl in question is my offspring and the boy, my future son-in-law). I have also been warned by well wishers to be dignified and behave myself like a good m-i-l should. So there is a sort of clash happening - and I need to be watchful of myself. However, I feel fairly secure in the knowledge that the protagonist of this post will never read it :)

I had promised a module on tact, but that can keep.Today I will offer tips on giving her gifts.

Before I start with that, I must mention the way she does things for the people she loves. 'Out of her way' wouldn't begin to describe the trouble she takes or the thought that goes over each of her presents. She recalls what you had mentioned at some point of time, studies your life and personality, checks your background, enlists the help of your friends/ relatives, gets to know your likes and fetishes... before she plans the gift for you. The gift itself would be unique. She would never go for something picked up off hand at a store. She would have to comb through online options, trudge through quaint streets to find the absolute fitting thing for you. And if she doesn't, then she'll simply get down to making it herself. And she will walk to the parcel place, wherever that is, and send it to you with a hand written note (no, not a printed card- that won't do at all). For all you know, she might even land up on your doorstep, gift in hand.

So don't even try to compete with her. Nor can you compete with her father, who owns her love and loyalty even though he may give her jelly beans (a chilhood favourite that she has long outgrown) or the latest cell phone (which she is not really hankering after) .

But be not disheartened. For such a stickler in gift giving, she is a ridiculously easy-to-please receiver. Her only concern is the genuine feeling behind the giving. And what puts her off is showing affection without meaning it. If she gets mad, life can turn quite miserable - for you.  It is so much easier to get presents for girls than for boys. And she does have a weakness for certain things. I  shall mention the a few:

1. Pens. You heard right. She just cannot resist them. She prefers fountain pens (do they still make them?). Even gel pens, felt tipped ones, fine points, multi coloured ink ones - all make her eyes light up. Her collection includes those that she used in school.

2. Books. Poetry, stories, comics, biographies, travelogues, philosophy, cooking...... Just keep your eyes and ears open, for the writers that interest her. Don't seek the help of best seller list in magazines or newspaper supplements, but get her to talk - not very difficult, that ;)  I don't think she would appreciate self help literature or business stuff. But it is lovely to get books for one who loves reading - you can keep getting her books, and she will melt to mush every time.

3. Books. As in notebooks.  Yeah, I know it sounds funny, but she loves those beautiful notebooks you get nowadays. She admires them, touches and smells them, but won't buy as they are more expensive than she would want a notebook to be.

4. Dark chocolate. Though you'll have to find out the percentage of dark - she won't want the all bitter variety and the too sweet one would not be perfect.

5. Gifts made by you. This may sound impossible, but they are not. All you need to do is take all the things she loves, say photographs of the people in her life or the songs she loves, and put them all together in a collage. She does get sentimental about stuff like that.

6. Your time. It is inevitable that over time, a couple takes each other for granted, the novelty begins to wear. Other priorities like career or kids consume your time and attention, pulling you away from each other. So it is essential to make time to be together and take the effort to make those moments memorable. Whether they be planned or spontaneous, spent in serious talk or flippant fun, at home or a fancy place, the time together must be spent in mutual love and respect, even though you may find many irritating things in her and she in you. Gift her those enjoyable moments.

Hmmm ... I think I got a bit serious there. Anyway, whatever you give her with love, she will appreciate it and express her appreciation openly and thank you so profusely that you will have to ask her to shut up. But that's just the way she is. So don't you go thinking you are the greatest gift giver of them all. Never be complacent. Find, create, explore new ways to please her give her gifts.

I had concerns about posting this, it being of so personal a nature. But there is a general feeling that if you give a woman jewellery, you can make her happy. If nothing, this post will educate the ignorant that there are better ways to get to a woman's heart. It may not be the easiest way, for a man has to truly understand his partner to know how to make her happy.And all men are not lucky enough to have a mother-in-law doling out helpful hints.

Having said that, let me add that emeralds or rubies would make great gifts - she has already got diamonds :D





 

His Roses Bloom For Me

I look at the man in the driver's seat beside me, remembering the first time we met at our wedding. Not having seen or talked, let alone written to each other,there wasn't a shadow of romance between the two of us. We were strangers.

I had watched my parents share their interest in literature, art and philosophy. They talked to each other all the time . Discussions on the Bhagavad Geetha to Bertrand Russel enlivened their conversations. They were very much in love. I never heard my father utter a harsh word. He complimented Amma on her cooking, embroidery...on just being her. While for Amma, my father was her life. So I entered marriage with my own preconceived notions of sharing and loving.

The man I married never read anything but the newspaper and office reports. He did have a colourful vocabulary that he used to describe drivers who blocked his path. He ate the food that I dished out in silence except when it did NOT appeal to his taste buds. He too may have had notions of a happy marriage that I couldn't live up to. I have had my days of rage. Besides, I disliked wifely 'duties' of housekeeping while he hated my whistling.

My husband never gave me roses or discussed poetry. But he admired my abilities and encouraged me to take up challenges - whether it was speaking at seminars or organising events. I grew to respect his judgment and strength. He never talked about kindness, but showed it in the most unexpected moments. He may never admit it, but I realise that he needs me and hates my absence. He worries about me when I am on my own (though I can take care of myself) and takes pains to prevent hassles. I have to drop hints the entire month before my birthday, but I know that he believes I was born for him!

Marriage, I'd been told, is all about give and take. That always sounded nice and balanced. Experience taught me that it was anything but. For sometimes you give more and at others you get more. Who knows, maybe the sum total is a neat tally. But then who is keeping accounts? And who cares? Because by then one realises that often giving is as enjoyable as receiving.

Bringing up our children drew us even closer. I wonder if any other couple enjoyed their children as we did. I watched him saying no to their requests sometimes and showering them with tenderness at others. The laughter and pain that we shared over and with them bound us as one. Of course there have been times when the bond was stretched, but we always snapped back together to find understanding and mutual respect.

Two decades have gone by all too fast. Now our children are away and come to us during vacations. New faces people their world. We have only each other most of the time. He comes home to me with a happy smile and my heart sings too. He still watches TV shows or studies management journals, while I do crosswords or read. There still isn't much conversation or discussion; only the unspoken warmth - probably the same that my parents expressed. When we go out, he still cusses other drivers. I don't flinch anymore. I look at the man in the driver's seat beside me and I wonder, when did I fall in love with him?
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Marital Accord

Matrimony and Arguments make strange bedfellows. But the two are inseparable. What’s a marriage without its healthy share of shouting matches? It is ok as long as it doesn’t turn nasty. Believe me it can. The couple may end up saying things they never meant. So despite its okness, arguments are better avoided. In my role as Materialmom, I distribute unsolicited advice to the young and the less experienced on how to do that.

Usually an argument has its origin in unconnected factors such as a bad day, a bad mood, a headache, deprivation or just about anything else. The signs of an argument are easy to discern- a frown, raised voice, rude words…. Once you detect the signs, be alert. Decide that you will not contribute to the quarrel. Deliberately adopt the body language that is opposite to that of the partner. If he (read she if you are a male)) frowns, you appear calm; if he shouts, you speak softly; if he is rude, you be extra polite. Now, this may seem too submissive, but it isn’t. Bide your time and later when the snapping dies out and he is feeling sheepish, you can remind him how childish his behaviour was and how mature yours. Besides when you have a bad day you may be the one shouting. ( make sure that your partner reads this post so that he /she will know the ideal response.)

The trick is not to get provoked. Let your partner’s harsh words fall off you like water off a duck’s back. Don’t get soaked by them. You can do this by understanding that your partner needs to let off steam and is too upset to understand what is really bothering him. So don’t take criticism personally. Even if you are the reason for resentment having things out in the open is certainly better than the cold and silent treatment. In such cases explain your behaviour/action and then shut up.

When you swap words with your partner it is not just a temptation, but an obsession to have the last word. But never insist on that for a) there is no last word in an argument. b) silence is the best last word. In fact during a war of words, the less said the better. Reticence is a virtue. Imagine your partner throwing barbs at you. When you don’t bite the bait, he would scream in frustration while you would have the last laugh and your dignity.

I know that many youngsters are frowning as they read this. I understand their longing to rebel- because I’ve been there and I’ve done that. Two decades of the real thing have convinced me that one stoops only to conquer. If you get involved and emotional you are in for tears and trouble. ( Sometimes tears do wash away a lot of accumulated frustrations.) When you stand outside yourself and watch a shout scene being played out, you find that it is but a laughing matter.